Private Findings
by AnimeyaoiFangirl2121
Summary: Misaki and his cousin Kirimi are cleaning when they stumble across Akihiko's copy of The Seme Handbook. Now suddenly everything is starting to make sense!


A/N: I apologize now for the seme rules may or may not be in order, but they're all there! This is the sequel, in a way, to Breakfast Time. Please enjoy and review! XOXO

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the seme rules or the characters from Junjo Romantica.

**Private Findings **

"Hey Misaki, what is this?"

Kirimi had gotten a call from her dearest cousin to come by and help her clean. The pinkette had been reluctant to agree, considering the last time she was in the Usami home she nearly gave herself alcohol poisoning from all the sake she ingested. She was left to babysit her cousin's perverted lover, and paid the ultimate price… her insanity. And to make matters worse, the dumbass all but ruined her wedding. Kirimi married Haruhiko Usami, her cousin's lover's brother, no more than a few months ago, and it was a beautiful ceremony… or at least it would've been if Akihiko hadn't jumped up in the middle of their vows demanding to know where the bathroom was. Kirimi nearly choked him on the spot and had to be restrained to keep from doing something that would've resulted to her going to jail. Needless to say Akihiko gave his beloved sister-in-law a hearty welcome, so good of a welcome that the pinkette rarely showed her face when he was around. So when Misaki called her, asking to come over, the pinkette all but hung up on the young boy.

"I don't know," The boy said as he threw out all the things he normally wouldn't have had access to if Usagi was home to supervise. For instance, the wrapper to a bear shaped piece of candy he had _**months**_ ago that the over grown child _**insisted**_ on keeping. "What does it say?"

As much as she would've liked to leave her cousin high and dry, Kirimi just couldn't. He suffered enough (or maybe not as much as she thought) living with Akihiko. "It says The Seme Handbook, all semes must follow." Said the pinkette, half tempted to toss the book into a trashbin.

Misaki's already pale complexion blanched as he ran up to his cousin, snatching the book from her hands. "You found it!" He breathed with wide(er) emerald eyes. "I've been looking for this for weeks!"

"What exactly is that?" Kirimi asked, wondering if she needed to sanitize her hands, or even purify her soul if it belonged to Akihiko.

"This, this is Usagi-san's _**guidebook**_! This is what makes him… the way he is! This book is like a _**Bible**_ to him!" The doe eyed boy exclaimed excitedly as he went to lock the second lock to the front door. That way if the perverted bunny finished his meeting early, he wouldn't just barge in on them reading his most cherished book.

"Oh nah, I've seen more than enough of that boyfriend of yours. There's no way in hell I want to find out _**why**_ he is the way he is. If it's so important to him, wouldn't it be _**private**_? And if he keeps it hidden, how do you even know about it?" Kirimi asked shaking her head, just thinking about Akihiko and his ways made her skull want to split.

"I overheard Hiroki- sempai talking about it with Nowaki-kun, saying that it was bad enough Usagi-san had one and that he would be damned if he allowed Nowaki-kun to bring one into their house. "Please, Mimi-kun? I don't want to read it without you." Pouted Misaki.

Kirimi thought about it, read with her cousin or risk sending herself back to therapy? "Alright fine," She sighed as she sat down on the couch next to him, but not before spraying her spot with disinfectant. According to the silver haired idiot, he'd banged her poor cousin on nearly every surface in his loft. "I guess this is one of the benefits of having a wealthy husband, I can see the best therapist in Japan." She mumbled.

Misaki took a deep breath, almost like he was preparing for the worst, as she opened the hard back book. "_**Rule number one**_," Her cousin said after he cleared his throat. "Semes hardly ever sweat during sex. Ukes, on the other hand, produce copious amounts of fluids varying in origin." Misaki blushed despite of himself, remembering that after their last session (which was that morning) or any session for that matter, his body never failed to be covered in a mixture of sweat and cum (be the cum his or not). "_**Rule number two**_, never let your uke do the work. It's the uke's job is to lie in bed, it's your job to make him feel good at night. (if your uke hasn't cum at least five times, you're doing it wrong)." Misaki's face blushed a shade darker, he loses so much fluids with his horny rabbit it's a miracle he doesn't have an issue with producing it. It's like once it starts, it doesn't stop until Usagi-san is done. "_**Rule number three**_, everybody is out to rape your uke. You've got to protect his chastity by guarding him day and night." Well that explained Akihiko's jealousy issues, even with his brother who was now married, or with Nowaki-kun although he and Hiroki-sempai have been together for years. "Oh there's a foot note at the bottom of the page."

"Do I even want to know what it says?" Kirimi asked groaning, her head in her hands.

"It says… 'SAS: Semes always swallow. Spitting out semen is for wusses.'" Misaki said.

AWKWARD SILENCE….

"Um… maybe that was rule number four," Misaki murmured. "Moving along, _**rule number five **_says You don't have to think too hard for the perfect birthday present for your uke; just do him eight times in a row. On the other hand, the only acceptable present for you is your uke wearing an apron… and nothing else." Misaki's face was getting so hot it felt like his head was going to explode as he thought about his last passing birthday. His ass had been so sore he couldn't sit down for weeks following that night. Not only that, but when he prepared he and Usagi-san's meals, the older man all but demanded he wore his apron with the frills… half the time suggesting that he ditched his clothes and wore just the apron. "_**Rule number six**_, semes don't eat cake… ever."

"If that bastard doesn't eat cake, then why the hell did he take half my wedding cake? There was barely enough for Haruhiko and I to take home!" Kirimi asked, now she really wanted to strangle the man.

"He got it for me, although when I said I wanted cake… I didn't mean _**half **_the cake. Sometimes he's not so bright, anyways_**, rule number seven**_ says the number of dildos that any average seme owns (for his uke) would put any sex shop to shame." Kirimi looked over at her cousin at this, wondering what house of horrors had she just entered. At this rate she was going to need counseling for the rest of her life. "Rule number eight, semes will hardly ever have sex completely naked. That's the ukes thing." Now that the thought about it, Usagi-san was almost always wearing some form of clothing as they had sex, while he himself was bare to the bone. "_**Rule number eight**_ rape equals love, the more you love your uke, the more right you have to rape him." Both cousins grew silent at this, and that's when Kirimi wondered if she should call his brother and warn him of the horrors his poor little brother was experiencing. "_**Rule number nine **_the rule for rape equal more rape! If another seme kissed, touched, or looked at your uke, get rid of his mark by replacing it with your own."

"… I'm calling your brother." Kirimi said quickly, reaching for her phone.

"Wait! No! Let's finish the book!" Misaki cried dramatically, turning the page. "_**Rule number ten**_ you can forgive your uke for anything. It will either lead to sex (of the makeup variety) or more sex (as punishment), either way you win)."

"I'm calling him! Now!"

"No! _**Rule number eleven **_no matter how much your uke struggles, you can always tie your uke in a compromising position in five seconds flat. If this was a contest, you'd win first place hands down (or tied)." Misaki said quickly. "_**Rule number twelve**_ it doesn't matter if your uke is dumb as a doorknob and irritating as hell, you still love him because… you're a seme and that's what semes do." Misaki's brows furrowed, he knew he wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, and it was obvious to Usagi-san that he was too, but was this why the older man stayed with him? Because as a seme, it was his job to do so? "_**Rule number thirteen**_ if you are foreign, you consider Japanese men cute and cuddly and will go to extreme lengths to turn them into your uke. This is especially true of American CEOs, exchange students, middle eastern princes, French patsies, Chinese mafia hunks, Italian captains and English noblemen with funny names."

"…What?" They asked in union.

"_**Rule number fourteen**_ smexing your uke with his glasses on is the ultimate goal. If the uke takes off his glasses before/while you smex him, you have failed."

"Misaki, you don't wear glasses," Kirimi pointed out.

"_**Rule number fifteen**_ you can't afford to smex your uke with your glasses on because if that happens, you can't be sure if the uke loves you or your glasses." Misaki said, continuing.

"… Akihiko doesn't wear glasses," Said Kirimi.

"Yeah, yeah. _**Rule number sixteen**_ selective hearing is a necessary trait in a seme. When your uke says 'no' what you hear is 'please ignore my tears, resisting, and all that jazz because I really want you to continue.' " Misaki thought back to all the times, especially when he had first moved in with the horny rabbit, when the man constantly made passes at him. And no matter how many times he had said no, Akihiko let his feeble please go in one ear and out the other. "_**Rule number seventeen**_ it's perfectly normal to be able to pin a grown man to the wall using only one hand to grip his wrists."

"Haruhiko tried that crap once," Kirimi said. "Bet he won't try it again."

"Maybe he's an undercover seme, look at his brother." Suggest Misaki, finding humor in his cousin's glare.

"…Keep reading." The pinkette sighed.

"_**Rule number eighteen**_ after sex, you always wear the pajama pants. Your uke will wear the shirt, lest he wishes to tempt you again with his perky pink nipples." Misaki nearly died right there next to his cousin.

"So Mi-kin, do you wear the shirt?" Kirimi purred.

"Do you?!" The boy countered. "Moving along, _**rule number nineteen**_ want to know the meaning behind your uke's words? Use our handy uke-tionary: 'No! I don't want this= fuck me. Stop it= fuck me, I need to sleep= fuck me, what's for dinner=fuck me." Misaki sighed, no wonder Usagi-san was such a horny pervery. The man didn't understand proper English. "_**Rule number twenty**_ a seme must have different colored hair to his uke."

"Well, no wonder that light haired freak fell for you." Kirimi said.

"No wonder Haruhiko fell for you," Replied Misaki. His cousin ignored his comment, as she fluffed her curled pink tresses.

"_**Rule number twenty one **_ropes materialize out of thin air. Don't worry about stashing ropes or ties around the house. If you've got your uke under you, you can just pull rope from sub-space to tie him up."

"So Akihiko can do magic tricks too? Wow, you got yourself a keeper." Kirimi teased as she ruffled her cousin's chocolate locks.

Misaki closed his seme's sacred book, sitting it aside. "God… no wonder he's so horrible…" Misaki sighed. "That book has corrupted him!"

"No, I'm pretty sure he was corrupt long before either one of us came along." Kirimi said as she rose to her feet.

"Wait, where are you going?" The boy asked as he watched the pinkette motion towards the front door.

"Home, I have a feeling I may need to see my therapist again." The girl sighed. Just as she went to open the door, the vain of her existence appeared with his traditional smirk. Kirimi felt the creases in her forehead deepen as she scowled up at him. "Mi-kun, your seme has returned."


End file.
